Lame-ass Avengers Assemble (Or Remain Dead): The Bottom 10

After some exhaustive research (read: marathon bathroom session where my only companion was George Perez' 30th Anniversary Avengers poster), I arrived at a starting point for thinning Earth's Mightiest Heroes & Others Dressed In A Similar Manner.


10. The Swordsman:
That lavender getup is just your first clue that this isn't Marvel's Errol Flynn. He also betrayed the team (and his boy Hawkeye), and got led around by Li'l Swordsman so badly he wound up in the grave. And the gal he so blindly followed didn't realize she loved him back until he was seconds away from death. And after she struck out with every single other Avenger on the roster. What kind of lame tramp could dare play such games with an F-list swashbuckler?

9. Mantis:

This kind.

I think Thor's onto something.

(By the way, all of these panels are from the same comic. Ho, indeed.)













8.Spider-Man:
That's right, I said Spider-Man. Just look at his supporting cast here, symbols of his mundane little problems. How do his regular-guy hangups get any meaningful panels when he's on a team with recovering alcoholics, mutants, gods, demi-gods, and a bipolar Superman?




7. Tigra:
She's furry and bikini-clad^[1]. That's about it. And I bet Jarvis prays for her death every time he has to clean the curtains.




6. Rage:
He stole (and subsequently lost) a quinjet just to impress the New Warriors. Because, y'know, being an Avenger wouldn't be quite enough.


5. The Hulk:
Stan Lee had him off the team by the end of the second issue. Iron Man eventually shot him into space. All because of a silly myth about what "green guys are packing" in their shredded purple jeans.

4. Silverclaw:
If Challenge of the Super Friends was still on, having her as the shape-shifting, animal-emulating, Spanish-accented member would make it awesome.^[2] But this is Marvel Comics, not DC/Hanna-Barbera TV.


3. Dr. Druid:
Even Warren Ellis couldn't polish this hocus-pocus turd. So he did the next best thing: he had the Son of Satan light him on fire and stuff him in a garbage can. And the charlatan (who despite being a reknowned psychiatrist and a mentalist, wound up mind controlled or whacked out most of the time) had it coming. Just look:




There's a tie at the top bottom! It's a dead heat! One is truly dead, and the other has Death in her name. While there's a reasonable distance between these two and the preceding eight, it was impossible for the staff here at JOB to select just one to stand alone.

1. Gilgamesh & Deathcry (tie):
Why wasn't Gilgamesh solving all the Marvel Universe's problems in about 15 seconds? He certainly seemed to have whatever power the job required. Why did Marvel so completely and utterly destroy a character that they took such great pains to establish as immortal? And most importantly, why wasn't he Avenged? Maybe if he'd re-thought that outfit (a little more black leather, a little less mall-kiosk gold)...

Speaking of mall-jewelry, we are all equally scarred by just how long Marvel kept around Deathcry, Warrior-Brat of the Shi'ar. Nothing says "1990's comics" quite like a 30-something male writer trying to sound like a 16-year old girl to better relate to 13-year old boys. Well, that and naming the character "Deathcry".

So, Marvel, feel free to use this list as a guideline for keeping these misfits away from Earth's Mightiest Heroes. If you can't resist the temptation, just bring back the Secret Defenders. Or staple your thumbs to your eyelids until the feeling passes.




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[1]I will admit that is a pretty sweet Adam Hughes portrait, though.

[2]You got me--Challenge of the Super Friends would be awesome today no matter what.