Final Crisis... or something else altogether?

So I'm starting to formulate what I'm sure is an entirely off-base, probably nonsensical theory about Grant Morrison's Final Crisis. [1] This idea of mine comes both from some history of Morrison's and from, of all places, statements by trade dress designer Chip Kidd and artist Gene Ha, who doesn't even have anything to do with this book.

Let me 'splain.

I'll start with Ha's comments, which were made last September in passing as part of an explanation for the huge delays behind his and Morrison's run on The Authority:

"First off, I don't think The Authority #3 by Grant Morrison and Gene Ha is ever coming out. Grant is busy redesigning the DC Universe and I've moved onto new projects."

I think that's the first place I'd seen reference to that idea of Morrison "redesigning the DC Universe," or at least put quite in terms quite that specific. We knew even then that Final Crisis was going to be another epic multiverse-shaking story, but little was known about what sort of result the series was going to have. (Honestly, we still don't know that much about it; DC's been doing a damn good job of not letting that particular secret slip.)

So we know (or can at least theorize with some degree of certainty) that when Morrison's done, the DCU will have been changed in some way, likely with his particular brand of highly imaginative neo-retro fusion. (Really, if you were going to redesign or modernize/futurize a comics universe from the ground up, wouldn't Grant Morrison be on or close to the top of your list of creators you'd want involved?)

The second bits of info which got my neurons rubbing together to form this wild-ass theory came from Chip Kidd when discussing the distinctive, if thus-far uninspiring, FC trade dress:

NRAMA: So what went into the process for Final Crisis’ look?

CK: Well, to start with Final Crisis - the big thing that no one would be able to know yet, and I won’t get too specific here, but for the people that think it’s a generic look – wait. By the third issue, you’ll start to get it. Basically, the trade dress dissolves. So, it’s starting out as something now, and by the second issue, it will be slightly different, the third issue, even more different, and between the third and fourth issue, I hope people will get it, and understand what we were doing all along. It might not make people like it any better, but they’ll at least understand what I have in mind. It’s an evolving trade dress. ... There are people who are in the talkbacks saying that DC is just riffing off Civil War, but again – wait and see. By the fourth issue, you’ll realize that’s not what we’re doing. We’re doing something else.

So the trade dress is going to start to dissolve and turn into something else which will be apparent -- or at least the direction will -- by the third or fourth issue. This implies to me either the current dress and logo will "fall away" to reveal something new underneath, or will degrade and reform into something new over the last half of the series' seven issues.

I don't think what's revealed or regrown will be simply a reworked presentation of what came before. I think it will be something entirely new.

I think the title of this series is going to change halfway through, or perhaps begin to change only to be complete at the end of the series.

Title and trade dress are important to Morrison. When he took over X-Men in 2001, he changed the name of the book to New X-Men precisely because he'd designed a logo for it which could be rotated 180 degrees and read the same. He had Marvel redesign the trade dress for all of the X-Men books to make them more visually distinct from the rest of Marvel's line. I think to him these elements of comic books have more meaning than beyond the simple graphic appeal of them -- while I'm not willing to say for sure it ties into Morrison's interest in magic, it's possible that it does, but at the very least ties into his penchant for meta-story. The trade dress of many of his books say something about the books themselves.

So I'm looking at the words "Final Crisis." And I know that Morrison is building a new DCU. And I know the trade dress is going to change. And I know that there's a tremendous battle halfway through the series which, I speculate, is going to result in the deaths of most or all of the DC heroes. And I know that Morrison's using Jack Kirby's Fourth World creations extensively in this series.

And while I can't say for sure exactly what's going to happen...

...I want to note that it wouldn't take a lot of work visually for the word "Crisis" to evolve into the word "Genesis." (New Genesis, remember, is Kirby's "good twin" of Darkseid's evil planet Apokalips.)

When this series becomes Something Genesis by issue #7, launching the shiny new Morrison-ized DCU, I want you to remember where you heard it first.

[1] That's not to dismiss the work of artist JG Jones, by the way; it's just that this particular notion of mine lies along the story and meta axes, so it's much more in Morrison's court than Jones'.

Oh No He Didn't.

Which one of Wally Wood's 22 Panels That Always Work would you say this is?



At least we can tell which one of Gerry Conway's Sound Effects That Are Always Hilarious is in play here.
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All-Star Comics #58, written by Gerry Conway, drawn by Ric Estrada and, yes, Wally Wood. (DC Comics 1976, reprinted in the Justice Society Vol. 1 trade paperback in 2006)

Friday Night Fights Round 6: Stop, Drop, and Sucka Punch!

Mindless thugs working for an invisible drug operation burn just like everyone else, apparently. But Oliver Queen didn't come for the barbeque--he came for the punch!











Bahlactus didn't come for the cooking either--he eats whole worlds raw.

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Green Arrow: Year One #6, by Andy Diggle and Jock (DC Comics 2007)

Friday Night Fights Round 3: Boo Hoo!

Batman doesn't hate you, Weeper. He just needs quiet to get the work done.

Bahlactus has no time for tears, either.


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JLA (1st Series) #136, by E. Nelson Bridwell, Marty Pasko, Dick Dillin and Frank McLaughlin (DC Comics 1976). Reprinted in Crisis On Multiple Earths, Volume 4.

Friday Night Fights: Sucka Punch! Round 2

Who wants to see Batman stuck in the 31st Century, fighting Karate Kid in mid-air under zero gravity, drawn by George Perez?

Um... me? And you? And everyone else with a soul?



Bahlactus could take both these clowns with gravity tied behind his back.

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From Brave and the Bold (current series) #5, by Mark Waid, George Perez, and Bob Wiacek (DC Comics, 2007).

Dear Comic Book Industry...

...you had a chance to do something magical Wednesday, and you were emphatically disappointing.

I have the discipline of a meth addict when it comes to New Comic Day, and I can almost always talk myself/force myself into buying at least 2 extra comics on top of my regular purchases. Yesterday, however, was an align-the-planets, hit-all-the-green-lights, served-breakfast-in-bed-by-wife-dressed-as-Emma-Frost kind of day.

Not one comic I normally buy came out.

I was surprisingly upbeat walking into my LCS, because this was a chance for me to feel like the "new reader" that all comic producers are horny for. Their advanced marketing theories, the hours of work spent designing comics that make use of the typical rack-space in stores, all of it would be brought to bear on my weak-willed consumer psyche.

I bought this:



Big Four, if you couldn't come up with something to sell me that was better than a comic I knew would be crappy, then get back to the drawing board (no pun intended). Otherwise, there are more weeks like this in your future. And if that happens, good luck explaining to whoever you answer to that you couldn't sell a comic to a comics addict.

Tuesday 10: DC 100 Page Super Spectacular Covers!

When I first entered the comics game in the early 70's, I had one pusher available to me: the local 7-11. Fortunately for my parents, 7-11's only stocked the standard cover price DC's each month. Unfortunately for my post-adolescent checkbook, those comics were loaded with in-house ads for 100 PAGE SUPER SPECTACULAR editions of my favorite titles. It wasn't until I was old enough to hit a con or two or drive to few and far between LCS' that I was finally able to hold some of these beauties in my hands, usually at around ten times cover price.

There was some (ill-informed) disappointment that the majority of the 100 pages were used for reprinted Golden Age and early Silver Age stuff, but I'm way over that now (especially since I realize now that a lot of it actually kicks major ass).

The covers still sell these books today, masterpieces mostly by the great Nick Cardy. Take a look:

10. Shazam #12: Mmmmmary Mmmmmarvel. I think I just realized why I loathe Countdown.








9. World's Finest #226: Superman (to Batman): "Metamorpho, the Doorknob of the DCU. Everybody gets a turn."









8. JLA #116: For my money, Justice League America had the most consistently good 100-page Giant covers, so it was hard to narrow it down to the few in this list. These days, kids see that cover and assume Santa just can't hold his hooch. Back then? Mind-blowing and frightful. (I don't have the issue handy--can someone explain why Dr. Mid-Nite's on the cover? The story's not titled Crisis at the North Pole.)







7. Shazam #16 Back in the day, I always wondered why the Seven Deadly Sins looked so goofy, but now it makes perfect sense. Would you really expect Greed or Sloth to look like something out of Hellraiser?






6. JLA #116: Why aren't covers like this still the norm? I can still look at it without laughing, honest. (Well, except for Matter Master's utterly unimpressive wizard garb.)



5. Detective Comics #440: Don't know how much influence DC's large line of spooky comics (House of Mystery, House of Secrets, Ghosts, etc.) had on many of these Giants, but take a close look and you'll see creepiness everywhere.




4. World's Finest #225: See what I mean? "Bow Before Satan's Children"? Brrr... not seeing that on Super Friends Saturday morning.






3. Brave and the Bold #116:Here's a Spectre who would simply not abide by the Goddamn Batman.








2. Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #202: Much like modern comics, this actual scene doesn't take place in the book. But unlike the comics of today, there's at least Devil Fish in this story.

...and numero uno:






1. Detective Comics #439: This cover didn't grab me as immediately as some others in this list did the first time I saw it, but this image sticks with me to this day, so much so that it was easily the first comic I considered for the 10. It also contains a Batman story easily in the top 5 all-time. (I know this list is about covers, but you gotta be able to break ties somehow.)

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Eternal thanks to Mike's Amazing World Of DC Comics DC covers indexes. I implore anyone who hasn't checked his galleries out to do so immediately. Also bring a square meal or two before viewing, because you'll lose several hours before you've refreshed your memory of DC titles like Hercules Unbound.

Coupl'a Quick Links

Two links you've probably seen before if you're at all part of the comics blogosphere, but these seemed like bits and pieces you should know about anyway:

• Occasional Superheroine gets tells us exactly what it is the current DC editorial crew is doing wrong with their "Everything Ties Into Countdown" mentality. It's funny -- a year ago, I thought DC was doing a great job with most of their line post-Infinite Crisis; now, it feels like most of their line's a big ol' mess. I'd imagine that most of those perceptions are due to the uber-series providing the throughline through the universe: 52 was generally accepted as being done well, so DC as a whole had a bit more of a positive gleam to it, but since Countdown seems to be about as well loved as O.J. Simpson, DC's books in toto seem mired in poo. I'll be really curious to see what effect Final Crisis has on the perceptions of DC's books as much as on the DCU itself.

Also, OS gave me something else I might have chew on more later: during the Paul Levitz era, DC did a good job of staying off of Time Warner corporate's radar. Dan Didio doesn't seem to think that's a priority, and his willingness to piss people off might lead him to pissing off the wrong people: his corporate overlords. Maybe nothing will ever happen on that front, but it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility.

• Project Rooftop has kicked off a Redesign Bart Allen meme to memorialize the late Mike Wieringo. I think that's a fantastic idea, and I encourage any of you with artistic leanings who feel up to the challenge to go throw your speediest hat into Dean and Chris's ring.

Tuesday 10: Comic Book Deaths

Death in comic books means nothing. We all know that. Beyond the fact that "death" rarely sticks (even the "characters what never ever came back!" are starting to come back now), c'mon... let's not forget that these are fictional characters, most of whom aren't known by anyone who doesn't read comics (meaning: most everyone). But while the deaths of these particular characters might indeed be meaningless in an existential sense, they still had an effect on me and, I'd wager, many others. Presenting Ten Comic Book Deaths Which Touched Me In Some Small But Signficant Way:

Phoenix (Uncanny X-Men #137, 1980). (The first time only, please.) I was pretty new to the X-verse when Jean sacrificed herself to save the universe: I had only started reading UXM with issue 135, the tail end of the Dark Phoenix Saga, and the tragic, confused, supremely-powerful Jean Grey was already one of my favorite characters. UXM #136's cliffhanger, with most of the X-Men disappearing into space, gripped me in such a way I was sure I would die before #137 came out. Little did I realize, however, that Uncanny X-Men #137 was a double-sized issue, meaning that the local 7-11 where I bought my comics wouldn't carry it; I didn't catch on to that fact until #138 came out. And when I opened that issue and saw all those somber X-faces standing over Jean's tombstone... well, nine-year-old me took that hit pretty hard, I've gotta tell you.

Captain America (Captain America v3 #25, 2007). By no means do I believe Cap's death is going to last long-term, but I have to give Ed Brubaker and Steve Epting credit for pulling off such a high-profile event with such skill. The stories being told in Cap's series after his death have been just as riveting, if not moreso, than those being told when he was alive.

Guardian (Alpha Flight v1 #12, 1983). Ah, the glorious spoiler-free advance-solicitation-free pre-Internet days. The cover of Alpha Flight #12 told us straight up that one of the Alphans would be biting it in that issue, and knowing that death was coming for one of the team had me almost in terror while reading this issue. As I got closer and closer to the end and it seemed more and more obvious that John Byrne had pegged Jim Hudson to die, I couldn't believe it: "No way can he kill Guardian!" thought I. "He's the team leader! The star of the book!" But kill him Byrne did, and in a way that I'm sure must have impressed on the mind of young Joss Whedon, too: Jim knows he's only got seconds left to keep his cybernetic suit from self-destructing -- and then his wife, Heather, comes in and distracts his attention, causing the suit to explode and consume Jim in front of her. Meaning that Heather had to watch her husband die and know that she effectively killed him. Powerful stuff, both for Heather Hudson... and for me.

Blue Devil/Amazing Man/Crimson Fox (Starman #38, 1998). OK, sure, Blue Devil didn't stay dead for long, and yeah, I might be the only person on the planet who actually misses Amazing Man... but still, the brtual efficiency with which Jack Knight's nemesis The Mist dispatched this newly-formed Justice League Europe -- just to prove she could -- was almost sickening to behold. [1]

Robin (Jason Todd) (Batman #428, 1988). I didn't particularly care that the Joker murdered Jason Todd -- I'd never really much cared for the second Robin, apparently much like the many, many people who called DC's special 900-number voting for him to die. But I was pretty shocked that DC actually went through with his death, not only because the character of Robin is so iconic (the mainstream press surely wouldn't have recognized that the Robin who died wasn't the one from the old Batman TV show, the only touchstone they seem to have for the Batman characters) but because they were murdering a kid. In a way it would've been less shocking had the Joker offed Batman... though they would've found a way to bring Bats back within months, instead of the nearly twenty years it took to bring back Jason Todd.

Alex DeWitt (Green Lantern v3 #54, 1994). When Ron Marz took over the book and introduced Kyle Rayner as the new Green Lantern, he also introduced Alex, Kyle's good-hearted, funny, beautiful, very likable girlfriend... and then three issues later had her killed by uber-baddie Major Force and had her corpse shoved into a refrigerator. Alex's death was shocking, yes, giving Kyle the "Uncle Ben" motivation to become a great hero -- but there was a bigger positive to come from her death: the birth several years later of the Women In Refrigerators site, which both pointed out how poorly female characters in comics are treated... and gave the comics industry the vastly talented Gail Simone.

The Flash II (Crisis on Infinite Earths #8, 1985). Barry Allen was my first-ever favorite superhero (and only partially because of that wonderful last name), and his death in the first Crisis really upset me. I read this issue standing in a drugstore in Brookhaven, Mississippi -- I had no idea his death was coming, and I spent the bike ride back to my dad's apartment all kinds of bummed out at the loss of the Flash. (Note to DC: please please don't ever bring Barry back.)

Maxwell Lord (Wonder Woman v2 #219, 2005). This one's actually less for the murdered than the murderer -- Wonder Woman demonstrated exactly how dedicated to The Greater Good she really is by giving the retconned-into-pure-evil Lord a nice view of his own posterior, a move which truly was significant from both a character standpoint and a plot standpoint. Part of DC head honcho Dan Didio's campaign to eliminate most of the Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League, as was the event which precipitated it:

Blue Beetle II (Countdown to Infinite Crisis, 2004). It's not often that a well-liked, if second-string, superhero gets his brains blown out by a former teammate who's been retconned into being pure evil. I'd say that losing Ted Kord was a waste of a perfectly good character... if it weren't for the fact that his replacement's an interesting, entertaining character in his own right, probably the best new character to come out of Infinite Crisis.

Cypher (New Mutants #60, 1987). Doug Ramsey held an "everyman" place within the New Mutants since his powers (the ability to instantly understand all languages, human and computer) were entirely intellectual. Unfortunately for Doug, "entirely intellectual" superpowers don't do a whole lot to stop bullets. But Doug's sacrifice (he died to save teammate/girlfriend Wolfsbane) isn't the reason for his inclusion on this list: the incredibly creepy "Warlock takes possession of Doug's corpse and tries to reanimate it" storyline which followed is. I mean, c'mon... what the hell, Claremont?!

[1] During research for this post, I read that James Robinson hadn't intended to off three heroes in one issue, but editor Dan Raspler encouraged him to get rid of some unused characters. If the characters aren't being used, couldn't you just leave them in limbo for when someone inevitably thinks of something interesting to do with them later on? Hell, shouldn't Amazing Man be in the Justice Society at this point?

Shooter Back on the Legion?

It's starting to look like some Colossal Boy-sized happenings are in store for the Legion of Super-Heroes in the year to come, just in time for their fiftieth birthday. There's the whole multiple-Legions thing running through the contemporary DCU, and the current team looks like it's going to be getting more buzz thrown its way: rumor mill suggests Jim Shooter's going to be returning as writer of the Legion of Super-Heroes sometime very soon, presumably at the same time newly-DC-exclusive Francis Manapul takes over as penciller.

(Am I the only glad that Supergirl is nowhere to be seen in that picture? I'm assuming this means the title's going back to just Legion of Super-Heroes rather than Seriously Overexposed And I Mean Than In More Ways Than One Supergirl and...).

The image by Manapul excites me, if for no other reason than I like a great many of the costume tweaks and redesigns we can see in the image. Manapul has said he's looking back more to Dave Cockrum's design sense for inspiration, and I can certainly endorse that idea, what with Cockrum being one of the best costume designers the industry's ever known. I've always liked Barry Kitson's artwork, but most of his designs for the LSH for this most recent reboot left me a bit cold. Manapul's tweaks are refreshing: I especially love the Saturn Girl design, bringing back the look of her classic bikini with a twist; Phantom Girl, even if we can't see if she's got the bell bottoms of her original Cockrum costume; Brainiac 5, whose look and pose in that pic perfectly represent the attitude of the current version of the character.)

As for Shooter... well, honestly, I'm not sure how I feel there. I respect that he had such an important and influential run on the book thirty years ago, but I want to take a wait-and-see attitude toward how his work will come across these days. The presentation of comics has changed so much, the modes of storytelling -- I'm just unsure if his writing will feel contemporary or dated. I wasn't particularly a fan of his Valiant/Acclaim work, but I'm not ready to say I think he can't do it. Whether he can or not, we'll see, but anything which raises the Legion's profile at least has my interest. Here's hoping.

My big question with bringing Shooter on the book -- and all of this is supposing that the rumors are correct, and based on the investigation detailed at The Legion Omnicom I'm assuming they probably are -- is why? Yes, he wrote the book long, long ago, but he hasn't done anything notable in comics in ten years or more. His name recognition value will only matter to older readers (like, erm, me) -- younger readers might recognize the name, but nothing more. Again, I'm not saying that Shooter can't turn in some good stories nowadays -- there's no recent evidence one way or the other -- but I'm honestly wondering if he was brought in because of his name or because he had solid ideas for stories and a direction in which to take the team. I hope that it's at least the latter as much as the former; you only get a fifitieth birthday once, and it'd be nice not to have the Legion's wasted.

Our 50th Post: Beat On The Brad

Brad Meltzer seems like a pleasant enough fella in interviews. I enjoyed a lot of things he put into Identity Crisis. His Green Arrow arc was certainly decent. He is decidedly unabashed in his crush on 1970's DC and the Justice League in particular, so what's not to like?


Apparently his Justice League of America. That's what not to like.

I was in the minority who enjoyed the first six issues, despite a slow build to climax. I gritted my teeth a little more through the next four installments, intertwined with Geoff Johns' Justice Society as "The Lightning Saga". By the time I finished muddling through the standalone issue #11 and it's horribly confusing geography (did anyone else have a hard time picturing exactly where Vixen and Red Arrow were buried? More specifically, how exactly was the semi-submerged building situated in the water?), I wanted the next issue to come out the next day, the quicker to get it over with.

Brad Meltzer writes fiction for a living (albeit in a different form). Why does he seem to struggle with the comic format, when neophyte comic writers from other forms (e.g. television and movies) don't seem to have the same early rough patches?

Primarily, it doesn't look like Meltzer's ever going to get used to working with an artist or putting anything in his script to express his thoughts non-verbally. He gives Ed Benes precious little to draw. Even when he does go for a visual revelation, he can't resist adding at least one word (see the opening graphic for only the latest example).

Another flaw common in just about every issue of JLA and Identity Crisis: He tends to jam... random things into stories, disregarding the idea that his audience might not be 100% dialed into the DC lore burned into his own brain. We don't even know whether this trivia is actual DC history or not, like the revelation that 31st century Legionnaire Wildfire actually resides in 21st century hero Red Tornado's body, or this sequence from this week's JLA.
Is this a real story that we should all have remembered going into this page?

I certainly don't want to savage Brad Meltzer's run. Again, I enjoyed the Red Tornado story (gratuitous cannabalistic maiming aside), the JLA/JSA/LSH crossover had some nice cliffhangers and a minimum of Things Actually Happening, and I was surprised at how touching this small panel could be in his finale.

I just wish there wasn't so much yakkity-yak and dull statuary in between all of that.

Mike Wieringo, 1963-2007

Mike Wieringo has passed away at age 44.

By all accounts, the friendly, welcoming nature of his artwork paled in comparison to the gracious and kind nature of the man.

Thank the internet and curse it at the same time; Wieringo's availability to us all through bulletin boards and the like gave the fan community the sense that we knew him at least a little, though he'd only met a fraction of us. His work lives on and can be accessed with a mouse-click or two. But sadly, it's a constant reminder of what a huge talent and a huge heart that we have lost.

Goodbye, Mike Wieringo. "You'll be missed" hardly seems to cover it.

Special Guest Commentary: Bane On Bonds

To the media: YEEEEEAHHHH!!!!! BARRY BONDS IS NOW THE MAN!! 7-5-6!! 7-5-6!!

Barry, I hope you’re reading this. You changed your number on me when that BALCO shitstorm began, so I haven’t been able to tell you personally how excited I am that you took down that arrogant, self-righteous, brooding vigilante Hank Aaron. Well, I guess he’s not really a vigilante, but I’m happy you knocked him off just the same.

It makes me very, very upset that no one (but me) seems to understand the pressure you’ve been under these last 6 or 7 years. It’s tough when someone else gets all the attention simply for doing something you could have always done but chose not to. (You had Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, just like I had Doomsday killing off Superman.) I know you were so mad you could throw a refrigerator over the roof of your house (I know I was and I know I did), but you kept your cool and made the right moves, like a champion.

When all these Nosy Nellies walk a mile in your (ever-expanding) shoes, then they can criticize the choices you made. When these spineless weasels (who I bet can’t even rip a man’s head from his shoulders with their own hands) have to go one-on-one with a billionaire genius/world-class martial artist/member of Justice League, then we’ll see who’s above banging some clear, creamy Venom.

So Barry, again, congratulations! If you ever need to talk, or to have someone’s back broken like a twig over my fearsome thigh, please give me a call. My number hasn’t changed.

Friday Night Fights: Election Update!

Remember when Superman/Batman was fun? Remember when it was The Book To Get for Superman or Batman?

Yeah, I didn't either until I decided to do a Random Friday Night Fight and blindly unearthed Superman/Batman #6.

Superman gives (soon to be ex-) President Luthor a quick civics lesson: that there's a fourth branch of government. The Kryptonian Knuckle Sandwich Branch.


The Last Son of Krypton didn't vote for you, Lexy, and he doesn't give a damn about your hanging Chads.


Class dismissed! Don't forget to study up on Bahlactus for Monday...

^{Superman/Batman #6 by Jeph "The Executive" Loeb, Ed "The Legislative" McGuiness, and Dexter "The Judicious One" Vines (2004).}

Vibe Responds!

Received via e-mail from deceased JLA Detroit (Justice League of America Detroit?) veteran Paco Ramone, d/b/a Vibe...

"Dear" Allen:

My man Apache Chief emailed me a link to your inadequately researched and horribly executed post, in which you stated I was so awful in my role with the Justice League that I was in a class of my own, and as such unworthy of inclusion. Aren't you so smart, Allen, if that's your real name.

While I'd love to meet you mano y mano and call you names like gringo or pendejo, I can't make room for the "hot-blooded Latino invectives" stereotype right now, loaded down as I am with "gang-leader", "spectacular breakdancer" and "brightly colored red, green, and yellow fighting gear" stereotypes already.

(Which reminds me, DC: you're on my list too. While you were bringing back Jason Todd, you could've at least had Superboy "punch" the whole "spectacular breakdancer" bit from my continuity. Pendejos.)

And again, if you'd bother to do the same kind of legwork that Tim did, you'd have found out just how beloved I was during my tenure with the League. Zatanna, Black Canary, Hawkwoman, Vixen, Supergirl... they all loved having Vibe around the ol' Headquarters during monitor duty, if you know what I'm saying. (J'onn J'onzz too, but don't ask further.)

Seriously, Tim can track down Bart Allen beyond the grave, but you can't do the same for me? Or shoot an email to a living Vixen? I would say it sounds like racism, but again, I can't fit that sweeping generalization into my psyche with all the others.

Pop and Lock this, buddy.

VIBE

Tuesday 10: Lamest Justice Leaguers Ever

Since Tim unknowingly started this Tuesday Ten thing off last week with his rundown of the ten lamest Avengers ever (a pretty impressive list, I must say), I thought it was only fair to follow it up by picking through the detritus of DC's premier super-team, the Justice League. Some of the Leaguers below were part of some of the various Justice League offshoots, (Justice League Task Force, Extreme snicker Justice), but all can fairly be considered members of the Justice League... even if they weren't members for very long.

I'm upping the degree of difficulty just a bit with this list by not allowing myself to include Vibe, who would honestly have to be the worst Leaguer ever. By several orders of magnitude. I'm also not considerding those characters who were played purely for laughs during the Giffen/DeMatteis years (G'nort, Justice League Antarctica) -- the entire point of those characters was their awfulness. So think of this list as "The Ten Worst Justice Leaguers Not Named Vibe And Not Purposely Ridiculous."

(All images below graciously ganked from Ze Ball Breaker Micro-Heroes Site. Go poke around... it's easy to lose hours looking at all the bizarre stuff there.)

Bloodwynd. Much like "Ten Worst Avengers" desginee Deathcry, Bloodwynd's suckitude starts with the grotesque mid-90's name, but surely doesn't end there. Turns out at first Bloodwynd was a mind-controlled Martian Manhunter in disguise, and then we found out that there was a real Bloodwynd who the Manhunter had been mimicking. That Bloodwynd was some sort of necromancer who wouldn't deign actually to do anything for the League on the grounds that he didn't want to disturb the natural order of things. Good thing the "natural order of things" for Bloodwynd was to quickly fade into obscurity. (I'll admit that I kinda dug his costume, though.)

Blue Jay. Is there any chance whatsoever that the name "Blue Jay" ever inspired fear into the hearts of any criminals anywhere? At least the Marvel hero of whom he was an analogue, Yellowjacket, had a name which could terrify bad guys allergic to bee stings. (C'mon... Blue Jay?)

Doctor Fate (Linda Strauss). This version of Doctor Fate makes the list thanks largely to the brevity of her run with the League which, if I'm remembering correctly, consisted almost entirely of the cover of Justice League America #31. I think Giffen and DeMatteis planned to keep her around longer, but events in her own book -- like her death -- scuttled those plans.

Geo-Force. I'm sorry, Brad Meltzer: he's not cool. Horrendous name, worse costume, not even a hundredth as interesting as his late half-sister, the original Terra. Also, I'm pretty sure that he's added absolutely nothing to Meltzer's run on the book, though we still have an issue left, so maybe he'll, y'know, do something seriously amazing then.

L-Ron/Despero. I liked L-Ron, the little robot who served as Maxwell Lord's majordomo during the Giffen/DeMatteis era -- he brought a welcome sense of snarky humor to the book (as opposed to the ridiculous humor most of the other characters brought). I like Despero as a villain for the JLA -- his brutal attack on that same League (featuring the supposed death of Mr. Miracle) was a highlight of the Giffen/DeMatteis run. Putting L-Ron's consciousness in Despero's body and making him a full League member? With a big gun? Seriously, who thought that was a good idea?

Mystek. Perhaps the character herself wasn't lame, or wouldn't have been if she'd been given the opportunity to develop, but she was knocked off almost as soon as she joined up with the Justice League Task Force. Writer Christopher Priest had intended her to be a creator-owned character starring in her own mini-series and had put her in JLTF to build some buzz for her. But DC nixed that mini-series, so Priest nixed Mystek.

Plastic Man. Yeah, you read me right. Plas always felt like an incongruous presence in the League and I never quite understood his continued membership past Morrison's "Godly Legion of Leaguers" roster -- it became "The Big Seven, Oh And Also By The Way Plastic Man." If I had to have a stretchy hero in the JLA, I'd much have preferred Elongated Man, who could bring the funny and had more depth to his character. Guess that's not happening anytime soon, though, is it?

Triumph. DC's version of Marvel's Sentry, but before Marvel got around to creating the Sentry. Triumph, apparently, was one of the original founders of the Justice League, but was removed from the timestream and erased from the memories of everyone everywhere. When he "came back" into the modern DCU, he was, frankly, an asshole. Theoretically, his assholishness was justified, since no one even remembered he'd ever existed -- I'm sure that would have hacked me off pretty good, too -- but it sure made for an unlikable character. In a vaguely ironic final twist on the "no one remembers Triumph" bit, a turned-into-glass-by-the-Spectre Triumph was still in the JLA Watchtower when Grant Morrison destroyed it, presumably destroying Triumph as well... not that anyone, including Morrison, seemed to remember. Or care.

Zan and Jayna, The Wonder Twins. The friggin' Wonder Twins?! In a book called Extreme Justice? Wow, this idea positively reeked of eau du nineties, didn't it? (Dr. Olsen's Fun Science Fact: That feeling in your brain you're getting while trying to reconcile "Wonder Twins" and "Extreme Justice"? That's what we like to call cognitive dissonance.)

Hmmmm... a full half of the entrants on this list come from Extreme Justice, and I can promise you that wasn't intentional. I guess it just shows that Chris Sims (as usual) was right: Extreme Justice might very well have been the worst series DC ever published.

Who wants to watch this Watchmen?

Up until this morning, I hadn't believed that the recent rumors and news bits about a Watchmen movie were going to result in the creation of an actual completed film — several directors have been attached over the last fifteen years or so, so the fact that 300's Zack Snyder had been signed to direct didn't mean the movie was really any closer to getting made. But now, in addition to a director, we have quite a bit of an announced cast.

And to say that I'm underwhelmed would be much like calling the San Diego Comicon a "nerd get-together."

What the announced cast of Snyder's Watchmen film says to me: low budget. Or possibly: we don't want to waste our SFX budget on the actors. Or even: we don't want to lose our asses in paying out pay-or-play deals to A-list stars when this thing falls through.

I don't necessarily have a problem with any of these actors as I don't know who the hell most of them are. And I'm one of those guys who remembers names of actors, even little-known ones. This cast announcement feels more like they're gearing up to make Watchmen a made-for-cable-TV movie than a Big Hollywood Blockbuster Feature.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Watchmen:

Dr. Manhattan: Billy Crudup. OK, fine, I suppose. I like Crudup, since he had such a large role in one of my most very favorite movies as Stillwater guitarist Russell Hammond in Almost Famous.

Rorschach: Jackie Earle Haley. Haley's coming off an Oscar nomination for his work as a creepy ex-child molester in Little Children, so I'm sure creepy Rorschach's a part he can probably play well. Plus, bonus points for his already being Rorschach-like: he's a little guy, kinda funny-lookin'.

And there ends our not-quite-big-name cast, as we move on to the "who?"s...

Ozymandias: Matthew Goode. Um, well, he was in a movie with Mandy Moore once, so that's got to count for something. Oh, and he's English, which Adrian Veidt... wasn't.

Nite Owl: Patrick Wilson. Yeah, I got nothin' here. Sorry.

Silk Spectre: Malin Ackerman. She's pretty, I guess, though in a completely different way than I'd always pictured Laurie Juspecyzk's prettiness. Past that, your guess is as good as mine.

The Comedian: Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Hey, look, it's Denny from Grey's Anatomy! You know, the guy who died and left Izzy boatloads of money. (Not that I watch that show. Not since it started to suck, anyway.) Hey, waitaminnit... wasn't the Comedian supposed to be from an entire generation before the main characters in Watchmen?

So all in all, a cast which inspires an awful lot of indifference in me. A director who's more concerned with visuals than story (working with source material that's all about the story) and a cast largely made up of relative unknowns... man, if you'd told me a few years ago I'd be looking forward more to an Iron Man movie than Watchmen, I'd have thought you were out of your gourd. But hell, I might be looking forward to Ghost Rider 2 more than Watchmen at this point.

If you have to explain the joke...

For those of you might have not quite have gotten Ben's JLA nomination last week (which, um, included me), he was helpful enough to provide us some reference material:

(From 1997's thankfully aborted Justice League of America TV pilot.)

These catastrophes are all caused by "The Weather Man," the baddie played by Ben's nominee Miguel Ferrer, who shows up right about in the middle of the clip. Of course, I think the word "catastrophe" could easily be applied to this production as a whole.

Frank Goddamn Miller

Frank Miller's really just screwing with us at this point, isn't he?



(From the preview for All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder #6.)

Every single mention of Batman in those panels is as "the goddamn Batman." I know that phrase (very intentionally constructed) took the brunt of some Internet mockery the first time Miller had Batman use it, but now... it's just getting ludicrous. I don't think that's Gordon, talking, either — I feel pretty sure that's Miller's attitude toward Batman at this point.

In fact, I'm almost positive that the entirety of Miller's superhero output over the last six or seven years or so has been intended as a giant middle finger directed right at the very people buying his books.

Frank Miller spent ten years or so outside the mainstream superhero market crafting projects he fiercely believed in, books which were successful creatively and, to some degree, commercially: the various Sin City series and 300 especially. Those were books he wanted to do, ideas and characters which germinated from inside his head rather than from one of the comics companies, and his enthusiasm showed in the work.

But for all of that success, all of that time spent working on projects close to his heart... all it seems comics fans wanted to know was when Miller was coming back to Batman.

The goddamn Batman.

So Miller decided to give the fanboys what they wanted: he followed up his legendary The Dark Knight Returns with the god-awful hellaciously atrocious The Dark Knight Strikes Again, a work which was, on every level, an insult to the readers. The storytelling was frequently impossible to follow, increasingly so toward the end of the book, as if Miller realized he had far more story left than pages allotted; the artwork looked as if it were drawn by a Sharpie-wielding ten-year-old and then colored by that ten-year-old's twelve-year-old sister as her first project learning Photoshop. Backgrounds? Why do we need backgrounds? It's much easier to represent The Future with swirly rainbow colors!

Not to mention the fact that the story, which barely made any sense, succeeded mainly in defecating all over many of DC's iconic characters, especially Dick Grayson.

And the thing, of course, sold like crazy. Miller crapped out a project which practically dripped with his derision for the characters and concepts he was using, and he likely made a huge sum of money off of it. I'm sure that whatever deal he cut with DC to produce the long-awaited sequel to one of their most well-loved and profitable series ever, it included a fairly enormous check with his name on it.

So since that project worked out so well, why not continue it with All-Star Batman? And this time, he doesn't even have to draw it, he just has to write it — again, I'm sure, for a hefty sum. Superstar artist Jim Lee picks up the pencils for this series, ensuring that the series is going to be a gigantic hit. Any book with the names "Frank Miller" and "Jim Lee" would sell truckloads, regardless of what character they were working on; putting those two names on a Batman title was almost a license to print money from a sales and marketing standpoint.¹

All of this means that Miller ends up receiving another healthy paycheck (probably plus royalties) for writing a book about characters he now detests, a book which will prove an enormous financial success regardless of the quality of its actual content. Miller cranks out scripts which betray how little he thinks of these characters ² and variant covers which can't possibly take him more than an hour to put together:




The above image might be the single worst cover I've ever seen to any comic, both in terms of execution and in terms of thematic intent. That's, what, either Wonder Woman as a cheap stripper or a stripper in a bad Wonder Woman getup? Either way, it's awful — this from a man who's crafted some of the most memorable visuals in comics over the last twenty years.

Frank, I don't think anyone would deny that you're a fantastically talented creator — when your heart's in your work. If you don't want to write the goddamn Batman, stop writing the goddamn Batman. I doubt you're in a position where you have to work on this book; if you're doing work you actively detest only for the paycheck, you're doing a disservice to yourself and to the people who're supporting your work from their own wallets. You're nothing but a hack and a whore at that point, and I don't think those are descriptors you want attached to your legacy. Go write and direct movies, go back to your creator-owned work, go retire... just please stop sending out these monthly hate letters to these characters and your readers.

---

[1] What I have a harder time understanding is why Jim Lee's continuing with it. I know that the opportunity to work with Frank Miller must be exciting, but Lee's got to realize that what he's being asked to draw is dreck. It ends up being beautifully-rendered dreck, but it's dreck nonetheless.)

[2] Miller's version of Batman, Superman and the rest of the Justice League seem to live on Earth-Psycho: the first words his twisted version of Wonder Woman speaks consist of her calling a passing stranger "sperm bank."

DC To Marvel: Gimme A Hand With This Can Of Worms, Will Ya?

Allen had a point related to DC's upcoming Final Crisis yesterday:

DC has always seemed to work much more in a cyclical fashion than Marvel has, and I think twenty (or so) years since the last universal shakeup probably means it's about time for the cycle to end and begin again...

Quite true, but why? Why is it always DC and never Marvel that finds itself in that paradox: being in a cycle of trying to break the cycle, where each big shakeup is intended to be the Last Big Shakeup? Look at the titles alone: DC's following up a series called Infinite Crisis (which implies that there is no end) with one called Final Crisis (which implies that there actually is an end, and this is it).

The simplest answer is that DC had a nice little Golden Age headstart on Marvel proper, from Superman's debut in the late thirties until Marvel got their ball rolling with Fantastic Four over twenty years later. Stan and Jack (and later Roy Thomas, Gerry Conway and others) quickly realized this apparent deficit was actually an advantage. They could see the future through DC's innovations and also through the continuity minefields DC blindly strolled into first.

Around the time Marvel began picking up steam with FF and then Spider-Man, DC was putting the finishing touches on its perfectly circular universe. Barry Allen met Jay Garrick, the Justice League met the Justice Society, about fifteen multiversal cans of worms opened wider and wider, and DC found itself having to answer questions they never expected from their audience. An audience that had only gotten older and weren't about to let DC loose from their commitment to continuity.

I bet Stan Lee read "Crisis on Earth-2", went to the office, burned all evidence of his Brand New Captain America concept, and asked Jack Kirby for his thoughts on drawing icebergs.

40-something years after Flash met Flash, DC's still trying to get those worms collected and re-sealed, while some Marvel editor is asking why all those sealed cans are sitting on the shelf collecting dust.

^{"I CAN'T EVEN TELL WHICH SUPERGIRL THIS IS AND I'M FREAKING SUPERMAN!!"}