To the media: YEEEEEAHHHH!!!!! BARRY BONDS IS NOW THE MAN!! 7-5-6!! 7-5-6!!Barry, I hope you’re reading this. You changed your number on me when that BALCO shitstorm began, so I haven’t been able to tell you personally how excited I am that you took down that arrogant, self-righteous, brooding vigilante Hank Aaron. Well, I guess he’s not really a vigilante, but I’m happy you knocked him off just the same.
It makes me very, very upset that no one (but me) seems to understand the pressure you’ve been under these last 6 or 7 years. It’s tough when someone else gets all the attention simply for doing something you could have always done but chose not to. (You had Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, just like I had Doomsday killing off Superman.) I know you were so mad you could throw a refrigerator over the roof of your house (I know I was and I know I did), but you kept your cool and made the right moves, like a champion. When all these Nosy Nellies walk a mile in your (ever-expanding) shoes, then they can criticize the choices you made. When these spineless weasels (who I bet can’t even rip a man’s head from his shoulders with their own hands) have to go one-on-one with a billionaire genius/world-class martial artist/member of Justice League, then we’ll see who’s above banging some clear, creamy Venom.
So Barry, again, congratulations! If you ever need to talk, or to have someone’s back broken like a twig over my fearsome thigh, please give me a call. My number hasn’t changed.
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