Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Tuesday 10: Kick-Ass Spider-Man Villains

Spider-Man director Sam Raimi easily plopped six classic Spider-Man villains in just three films (yeah, I'm counting Curt Connors). Sadly, he seems to be slightly unwilling to commit to doing further installments...

Before you realize just how many private islands or moons of Saturn you could buy, Mr. Raimi, I beg you to go back to work, considering the flat-out awesomeness of the Spider-Man nemeses you haven't used yet...

10. The Scorpion: C'mon, they're going to send you a check for the CGI in an envelope made entirely of taped-together thousand-dollar bills. You could do worse than investing in some vicious whipping scenes.




9. Morlun: He's Dracula with an even more exotic fetish. How 21st century. Get points on a gothtastic soundtrack, Sam, and you could probably put a Starbucks in the bathroom of your European castle.



8. The Molten Man: The tech they used to bring Hollow Man to life is probably available as freeware by now. Use all that sappy backstory you couldn't get to with the Sandman in SM3 (or Dr. Octopus in SM2, and so on and so on) and voila!



7. The Vulture: Crazed, bald old men are always the best when featured in multi-centi-million dollar movies. Is Abe Vigoda still alive? Hell, even if he's not, you can still sign him up. I'd pay $10 to watch cut-n-paste footage of ol' Tessio sighing his way through explosion after explosion.





6. The Hypno Hustler: But you'd have to get Jamie Kennedy or somebody like him to do it. No black man would touch this part. And you'd have to update HH's usual disco scene o' the crime to some rave somewhere. A rave that Tobey Maguire would somehow end up going to. Hmmm, maybe this isn't such a great idea.



5. The Jackal: Kidding aside, take Professor Warren out of that ridiculous costume and make him some barely visible tormentor like in Saw. True, it might be your last Spider-Man film, but if you're trying to jump off the franchise anyway...




5. Grizzly: What better way to prop up the suspension of disbelief necessary for Hero Dressed As Spider than to have Villain Dressed As Crazed Bear?







4. Man-Wolf (John Jameson): Already introduced, and his ties to Spider-Man's most fervent enemy (and the fact that the movies' John Jameson probably did the nasty with Mary Jane) make for some critic-pleasing drama. Plus: WEREWOLVES FROM OUTER SPACE. I can't trumpet this loudly enough.




3. Spider-Slayers and Dr. Spencer Smythe: And sticking to the mission statement of inviting as many movie-goers to the party as possible, let H.R. Giger design one of the Slayers: MY FANGED VAGINA NOSTRIL WILL BE YOUR DOOM, SPIDER-MAN!



2. The Black Cat: If Shia LeBoeuf is indeed taking over all of American cinema for the next 5 years or so, then put him in the suit and let him be led around by his web-shooters by some Maxim-annointed goddess. He's probably method-acting it already. Something Wild, but in costumes.


1. Tony Stark: If (god forbid) Iron Man bombs, then appropriate Tony Stark as a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing blackguard straight out of Karate Kid 3. To further his own political agenda, Stark throws poor naive Peter right under the bus, only to be out-geniused by the Spider trying to dig into the underground. Oh, the tension!

No comments: